I have a confession. A confession that could be made known to a close circle of friends and a relative. A confession that I have been keeping for the past seventeen months. A confession that I am still trying to annihilate. A confession that I can only do away if only I help myself first. Yes I know. God won't help me unless I help myself first.
Perhaps in the next couple of months I will laugh it off or shake my head in disbelief. Perhaps at that point of time I would already step to the next phase of higher emotional strength. To tell you the truth I have always been cracking my brains, how do I go about doing this? There are a lot of possibilities that I could put myself to greater position of strength but to a certain extent I don't wish to. Call this blatant stupidity. Really.
Prior to a post I have drafted before , I quoted this - " There will always be two types of people you will remember all your life. One is the one you will remember not to remember and the second is the one you will remember to remember all your life". Up to this point of time, this really make sense to me. It has been tested and proven.
Let's focus on the " I will remember to remember all my life " . Now I would say I am not kidding you. It's really a fact. For I hope in the many months to come, I would say " Finally!I am kidding you!"
Let's focus on the " I will remember to remember all my life " . Now I would say I am not kidding you. It's really a fact. For I hope in the many months to come, I would say " Finally!I am kidding you!"
'' It hasn't been easy for me to digest every single thing that has once transpired many months ago. It feels as if it was just yesterday this whole incident had happened. Of course we were young back then. I was only 22 and you were also the same. I had no idea why I shamelessly instill my beliefs on you. You nodded and attempted to follow my beliefs. I thought it was the best for me and then for you. Not sure whether I took the time to sit down and listen to what you have to say. I assumed you have always been happy inside and out . But I also didn't believe that karma took it's turn and stab me in my soul. I could be magnifying my pain here. This is one sided; a bias story. I am not seeking anybody for empathy nor sympathy. I just would like to illustrate how I feel. Really. I know that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I am firm believer of it. Yet hen something which I don't wish to embrace happens to me, I feel dejected. Where is my faith then? How can I question God's doings? How can I question The-Almighty? I can't and I am not supposed to. I need to thank HIM no matter what. I know. I know. I know.
I know that God will only assist me if I attempt to help myself first. When I feel and realize that I have helped myself in so many ways, I give myself a reason to sink into THE ABYSS. Many have given their constructive comments and suggestions. But when I indirectly just ignore, they always ponder why. So i calmly replied " You don't understand how I feel "
I still would want to believe that bad things come good things follow. Life still goes on,embracing my fate, moulding my destiny and biting the bullet of pain. There are a lot of things out there that I need to do for myself. I am on still embracing my journey of positive achievements.
So yesterday, I met a very familiar stranger. That stranger who once conquered my heart and soul . The stranger whom I thought was the world to me. The stranger that...
Well THE STRANGER.
Well THE STRANGER.
As when I am typing this, there is a ball of sadness that is stuck to my throat. I find it hard to swallow and I can't even think properly...now.
Put it this way, I voluntarily chose to cross paths with this familiar stranger. When I look into his eyes, there was familiarity. When I shamelessly kissed him,the warm fuzzy feeling still exist. But there are only two things that I have failed to read ; his heart and mind.
I gathered all the courage that i have and started a 'conversation' with him. My voice trembled a little bit with fear when I said " Hey look here..." - That was the start of the conversation. I really had no idea what I seriously said to him. What I'm positive was I was crying and he said " Don't cry. Don't " .
When I calmly asked " What do you have about this" He pondered deeply. It was as if he is trying to choose the right words or trying to say the words that he shouldn't say.
The two things he said were " It's just not now AND it's not the right time to be talking about this"
I looked at him in confusion. So he firmly asked " Are you expecting more? I said I was just expecting you to say " F off Farah. That would make it so much easier for me to go away " He asked again " Do you want that " I cried " No I don't want to "
I know you have highlighted somethings to me before. I'm sure I chose to ignore.
When you asked me " what do i miss about you " I confidently said "you're beautiful heart" I have never stop believing that you have. Come back to EARTH, familiar stranger.
The thing is, I know what he can be capable off. I never doubt that. Is he mean enough to make use of my vulnerabillity?
Yes go on and say one door closes many doors are open. But never did you know that I have been closing many doors because I can't be bothered to fall again. Can't be bothered to invest in liking someone again.
I have been trying since day One and perhaps it could be the 510th day.
At the end of this all, trust me . I am happy when you are. I am in no position to question your choice of actions.
What is this confession all about?
It's not even difficult to guess isn't it?
It's not even difficult to guess isn't it?
ps :To the future potential partner to be ; I'm sorry if this post seems hurtful to you. Perhaps this is what I'm feeling right now. See you in the TIME to come. "
So I'm still on my journey to seek the meaning of true lif,happiness,true friends success and love.
3 comments:
In the name of Allah, the most Merciful the most Compassionate
I just happened to come across your blog entry and it resonated strongly with me. I hope I can give some insights and 'naseeha' to you, whoever is reading and also a reminder to myself too.
Firstly, let's define happiness.
Happiness comes from the root word 'hap', which means luck/fate. So it is actually being please with your luck/fate. From a Muslim perspective, It is being pleased with what Allah has decreed for us.
Happiness is an end of itself. It is not a means.
For instance, one should ask oneself,
why do I need a partner?
So that I won't feel lonely.
Why don't you not want to feel lonely?
So I can share my love with someone special.
Why do you want to share your love with someone special?
So I can share special moments with them.
You get the drift. Keep going and if you go to the end of it, they'll say,
Because I want to be happy.
We, human beings have been too pre-occupied with such means, that we have missed the whole point of it.
Some of us at one particular time will surely say, we lost our faith. But the truth is, we didn't have faith in the first place!
You can't lose faith. When we are hit with a calamity or tragedy, that's when Faith is tested. Like they say, everybody is a believer when things are going well. What's even ironic is that from a Muslim point of view, is that the root meaning of Iman is ' to make oneself safe and secure'.
There was a story that a Man used to pray to God and he didn't get an answer. One day he gave up and stopped. He then fell asleep and had a dream.
In that dream, Fate came to him and asked him,
'Why did you leave your prayer?'
He said,'I've been calling and I didn't get the answer'
Fate then replied,' No! Mo! Your prayer was the answer. Just as you're at the door of Allah s.w.t, is already an answer. Because you know who to go to,'
Just as your certainty enables you to realize that just being at his door, is the place to be.
One of the things that we tend to do as pathetic human beings is that we see God as an instrument. For instance, how can God serve me and not, how can I serve Him?
And in order to call on Allah, our hearts needs to be alive. Let us now look how this relates to Love.
Now the lover is obedient to the Beloved. That's the nature of Love. If you have somebody who claims they love you. And they never do what you ask, then you should know that that is a false claim. They don't love you. They're just giving you lip service.
To relate to the Divine majesty, an Islamic poet used to say, " You claim to love Allah, yet you disobey Him." If your love is real, you would obey Him.
The one who claims to love and the one who loves are two totally different things. So we need to distinguish between them.
And to do that, we need to see things clearly. Because most of the time, our emotions are the jail of ourselves. People become masters of our emotions.
We are cloud by them, then even our intellects get nullified and dispersed. We won't be able to think rationally and we decide to do things via 'our emotions'. We go for alternatives and other outlets as a means to conceal our sorrow/ unhappiness/misery. This could develop into a form of addiction. And e problem with it, is that you are start to get dependent on it. And any forms of addiction is putting off your r/s with God.
So let's deal the root of the problem then.
The human soul is rather like a lake that is always polluted by the five senses that is bringing in junk and rubbish. So at every moment you are distracted. It becomes muddy and dirty. And when you cut yourself from all these things that is causing confusion and turbulence, it will finally settle down and you'll get to see the reflection of the water again.
The heart is a mirror. And it needs polishing. The prophet Muhammad(pbuh) used to say, everything corrodes/oxidises, including the heart. And polishing the heart is the dzikr(remembrance) of Allah. But why would he use that as a metaphor? We polish things to get a reflection. What it is that the heart reflects? I leave that for you to answer.
I hope you manage to stay till the end to read. Forgive me for the super lengthy comment but I just felt I needed to say something. If it has come off as preaching, i apologize because i never liked being preached to in my life. If I had offended with my words, I hope i can be pardoned.
At the end of the day, it's all about meanings. Meanings of true life, happiness, true friends, success and love. May this bring benefit. All goodness comes from Him and any short-comings, ignorance and mistakes has been mine.
Allah knows best.
May Allah s.w.t guide us and keep us on the straight path.
Amin =)
I acknowledge your time and kindness to cheer up a confused soul here. May God bless you. Amin. - farah
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