This entry sets as a distinct reminder for me in the days, months or even years to come. There is this sudden excitement in me wanting to post this entry.
This post would consist of my inner feelings and thoughts which I have been suppressing lately. I would say that this shall reveal a vulnerable side of me.
So allow me to start.
It is already obvious that I would talk about the affairs of the heart. What else is new? Is it somewhat pertinent for me? Not really at the moment but at some point of time, it surely does hit me whereby I am at an age that I should worry for ‘issues’ like this. Some would say “Take your time, what is there to rush?” Oh well, to each it’s own all right? I am not you and you are not me.
I used to have a very close male friend and I was only about 17/18 at that point of time. He is 6 years older than I am. To have a friend who has eaten more salt than me, I love talking to him on the phone for hours.
We talked literally anything and everything under the sun. I do know that he is just a mirror image of me, he understands me totally and vice versa and the only thing that didn’t happened between us was obviously the age gap. He knows that I was at the age of ‘growing up’ and wanting to commit a serious relationship would be another ball game altogether. So we moved on, we both landed ourselves in a series of failed relationships.
Whatever he has talked to me before made a whole lot of sense. I feel that he understands my character and know what I really want in a man. I know this is scary but I somehow feel I am a perfectionist in love. If things don’t go my way, I get all edgy and in return I would appear to be more demanding and angsty all the time. Because of these flaws, it would freak a man out and he would dislike me who I already am after a break-up. I chose to deny it at first. I remember telling him this- “I will surely prove you wrong”. His reply would always be the same “Sure go ahead”
Time and again, after a failed one, the immediate response would always be calling him for comfort. Without fail, I would always say this “All I want is someone who understands me and accepts me for who I am!” So he would say this “God’s willing Farah, hang in there”.
Look, I am not portraying myself as a victim here. I have my series of being unfaithful too. One of the major cracks about me is that I get bored very easily. And if I feel that if a man bores me then I would do whatever it takes to divert. In my opinion if the boyfriend can’t shower me the attention that I want, why wait? There are always alternatives. But then again, I suck at that; I always get my ‘fingers burnt’ each and every time. I am just not good in being a ‘hustler’. Karma just hits on me fast when I do that.
It always comes in a pattern I feel. When I am not really into the guy, he would do whatever it takes to humour me and commit to the best of his ability. But when I feel so committed to a man, 99% of the time, the specimen will just have to cheat behind me.
Then I decided to take a two year hiatus and decided to find my ground or to find my centre. I eventually did. Having crushes on someone is a norm, it is a come and go thing.
Until one day when I felt I found another mirror image of me, I felt so grateful. It was an on top of the world feeling for me. Then, things really didn’t work out.
In a nutshell, it was the most horrible feeling for me. Even to think about it, causes me to have these butterflies in the stomach til now. It really hit me hard.
I vowed never to be in love again. Did I break that vow? Yes, three months later.
It was unexpected. It surely did transpire way too fast. I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was doing at times. And I guess I was ‘serving my punishment via karma’. There was a bad case of crying out of the blue, always feeling sad because I am insecure and the person didn’t want to talk to me out of it. The more I needed his attention the more he pushes me away. I fucking hate that. All he could say to me is that “He just can’t get over the past and he is scared to fall in love again”
Indirectly I took it as a challenge for me, day in and day out, I made my presence known hoping that on day he realizes the efforts painstakingly had to make him happy. But was I happy? Not really I am always so frustrated. Because I know I deserve better.
When the verdict was out that there was no such thing as a relationship, It was painful for me to swallow. I just don’t like to be alone. Wait, nobody likes to be alone.
It is very foolish that right from the start, he just wasn’t that sincere or true at all. Yet I stayed again,again and again but nothing worked out.
The last thing I heard was giving him more time to sort himself out.
I honestly feel that time and time waits for no man.
I STRONGLY believe that when a man wants you, he will do whatever it takes to want you and have you.
I STRONGLY believe that actions speaks louder than words. Any man can say any damn thing they want to make you feel needed or wanted but sorry; it is all about going the distance.
I STRONGLY believe that there is a man who really accepts me at my worst and totally receives me at my best.
Wipe my tears when I am sad, encourage me physically when I’m down. Pull my hand closer to him when I decided to stomp away. Love me who I am not what I can offer and most IMPORTANTLY, be and fight for me because I’m worth it.
I’m too fucking tired to be dating or getting my feelings emotionally attached with men who have issues of the past or the words “ Give me time Farah or even words like “ I know you’re a nice girl Farah but I can’t love you because ____________”
It is all too familiar. Fuck off.
No comments:
Post a Comment